I’ve seen a lot online about baby/pregnancy loss lately. I love how there is so much support for moms who go through that. I don’t usually talk about my loss because I guess I feel that even though it’s something that changed who I am, and it’s something I think about almost every day, I don’t feel like my loss was as bad as some of the stories I’ve heard of, so I don’t really talk about it. I was just a couple of days away from my first ultrasound when I woke up spotting. At a doctor’s appointment that day, an ultrasound showed the baby had no heartbeat. But this post is not about the loss. It’s about where I’ve been since that sad day just over four years ago.
Today, I had an OB checkup. My last one at 40 weeks and two days. The next time I see the doctor, I’ll be in labor or getting induced.
After getting a weight check (I lost two pounds since last Thursday – how the heck did that happen?!?!), I followed the nurse to a patient room. It’s the best in the office – it’s bigger than the others, and has two windows that allow bright sunshine to pour in.
I hate that room.
It’s the room where I had the ultrasound that showed the baby with no heartbeat. The room where I learned that I was losing my baby. I am never comfortable in this room.
But today, it changed for me. Yes, that room brought back some sad memories for me, but look at me now. I’ve come full-circle. Cracking jokes with the doctor and learning about the latest news in obstetrics. Past my due date with my second child. Two healthy pregnancies, one healthy child, and hopefully another healthy child that I’ll get to meet in the next few days.
If someone had told me I’d ever be happy to step into that room again, I would have flat-out laughed in their face. I just remember how sad I was back then, and how unsure I was of everything. Was there something wrong with me? Was I ever going to be a mom? Will it happen again? How many times?
I am putting this out there because I remember how scared and sad I was back then, and feeling like I would never have a baby and not having anyone to really talk to about it. I know there are so many people out there that don’t feel like they’ll ever get through that nightmare. And unfortunately, the truth is that not everyone will.
But so many people do. So many of us have had a loss and become stronger for it, and gone on to have the families we’ve always dreamed of. And I wanted to share that. Because maybe…just maybe…I’ll be able to reach someone and give them a little bit of hope, because that is something I would have given anything to have at that point in my life.